Survival Guide to Kosovo

In no particular order the following sad (but true) realities on surviving in Kosovo are all based on actual experience. Fortunately, I can laugh at (most) of them now...

• Escaping wild dogs: Ironic that one could potentially be mauled by a pack of wild dogs while walking home from a bar in the capital city of Kosovo. But in the event that one is crossing a large dark deserted field late at night (like many times before), pay particular attention to which direction an onslaught of barking noises my be coming from and how quickly they are approaching. Instead of turning to run for cover (like mad), one should start yelling, screaming, jumping up and down and run towards them. Quickly locating as many big stones as possible to scare off the lead dogs one can then quietly return to normal after picking up a large 2x4 to continue on a leisurely stroll home.

• Walking beneath the city trees: As you may recall from my Oct 16 blog, Pristina is the home to at least 100,000 black crows that migrate from the hills to the central city twice daily. The most dangerous time to walk is around dusk but somehow there always seem to be a couple (hundred) stragglers just to keep you on edge. When risking a stroll down 'birdshit alley' one must first say a prayer, pull up any hood or hat they may have attached to a jacket and continue in a straight line at a very brisk pace. Rest assured enough bird droppings will be falling to make it sound like a soft drizzle and fortunately in this culture, a patch of white poop on your shoulder symbolizes good luck.

• Using the sidewalks: In Kosovo can be more dangerous than walking in the street. First off you can rest assured that no matter how much space there may be between you and an on coming person, somehow they will always mange to take up as much of the pathway as possible and brush against your shoulder (sometimes quite hard for the larger guys). Heaven forbid if there is a side-by-side group of friends walking because they will refuse to go single file again forcing you wait till they pass. The sidewalks are essentially parking spaces for cars with an option for pedestrians. And when they have built them less than 2 feet wide one will usually do as the locals do; give up and just walk the street.

• Navigating without power: Usually requires a person to be quite creative to always having some type of flashlight on oneself. In the event of carrying groceries up a stairwell in a building which loses its lights, a mini-mag on ones key chain can come in handy to climb the remaining 4 flights of stairs in total darkness. Or even outside when all the street and shop lights may disappear, to use the backside of a flashlight lighter to scout out any large potholes that could swallow someone whole.

• Crossing the street: Could be deadly if one actually paid attention to the little green guy that indicates walk. See, the green guy apparently is only connected to one set of lights which would show red for any oncoming traffic. Problem is that there is usually another set of lights indicating green for cars to cross right into your walking path. So regardless of which green or red walking person one may see or how many cars may be coming, it is best to stop, look, listen, and sprint like hell to the other side. BTW, I believe the locals get extra points for hitting an international.

• Feeling at home: Two letters; PX. Fortunately with all of these KFOR troops here and military bases all around, with the right connections one may be invited inside the base to visit the American PX store to purchase all the necessary junk food items. My last visit included Captain Crunch, Microwave popcorn, Double Stuff Oreo, Spaghettios, Pancake mix, Pop Tarts, etc etc. Ironically these items are all cheaper than they are in the states.

• Eating/drinking out: Fortunately Pristina has a number of nice bars, cafes and restaurants to mix-up the weekends and take advantage of no meal/drinks ever costing more that 20 euros. The problem is that there is no such thing as no smoking and at least 4 out of every 5 people smoke. There are also no establishments with a no-smoking policy (although I did see a sign once underneath a smoking waiter). In the event of spending time in public it is advisable to not bring any wool or fleece, to sit on the lower seats to be beneath the collecting cloud of smoke and to step outside for 'fresh' air at least once/hour. My new favorite line when asked if I smoke is to respond, "Yes, I second-hand smoke at least a pack a day".

• Entering a building: Will always require at least one official local ID if not 2 or 3 extra to prove you are who you say you are. Unless of course one is wearing an UNMIK laranette. Note that this only refers to official buildings. My apartment on the other hand usually has the front security door wide open, even in the middle of winter.

• Driving: Lets just say I am blessed to have the office staff or friends do most of this for me. From my observations and experience, it is best to assume you are the only one on the road and that everyone else will stop for you. Now of course there will be a little give and take here but if you do not go aggressive, you will not go at all. Local speeds tend to be pretty fast with the annoying exception that for every small speed bump (of which there are many) cars (and SUV's) will come to almost a complete stop before they roll over. Has no one ever heard of SUSPENSION???

God Bless Kosovo:-)